I don’t want to even think about driver-less cars in the future. I used to have frequent reoccurring dreams about sitting in the back seat, and the car is driving by itself. It was terrifying ^~^

I’ve always just been sitting here typing and tweeting and recording and uploading YouTube videos. But deep down I’ve felt demotivated, lazy and simply not give a fuck about the world or the people in it. I always feel like I’m in my own state of darkness and sorrow. Maybe the 2011 Effect is still lingering, I don’t know. But I do know that no matter how much I embrace the darkness, I wanted to escape it. I can’t continue to feel that sorrow and depression. I can’t let the 2011 Effect take over my mind, body and soul. I need to find a way out. I’ve heard people say to me, that only I can escape the darkness myself. No-one can put their hand in and pull me out, because everybody has their own darkness to escape from, I suppose. That’s when I thought to myself, why? Why does this bullshit continue? Why do I continue to simply stand idly by while the darkness takes over?

So I decided, enough is enough.

There are many things that hold me back. The fact that I weigh around one-eighth of a ton, and the pain that delivers to my muscles and bones, especially when I’m at work. I have the fitness of a man who’s on the brink of retirement. I can’t feel that way, I’m on the other side of the spectrum. I’m only a freshman in this giant, godforsaken university called life. I need to get my grades up, and fast.

So what’s first? Buy a set of scales? Write up a diet and exercise plan? No. The first thing to accomplish is to admit that I have a problem. I always look in the mirror sideways and feel shitty about my appearance, but I’ve never actually admitted to having a problem. I love food, it’s like an addiction, like a drug. I can’t find myself to get off the stuff. I can say a million times that I want to improve my health and lose weight, but I always fall into the same fat kid habits that most who fail a diet tend to as well.

THIS time is different, but now I’m willing to admit that I have a problem. I have to think about the implications it can have, not later in life, but here and now. I can’t work as much as I do because my feet and legs are always in constant pain. The weight of my fat gut crushes down on my feet and then the pain comes along. I had to stop working at the Australian Open tennis last month because my left Achilles fucked up. I want to lose weight NOW, because that way I can work more efficiently, and for longer. Longer hours means more moneys.

Speaking of moneys, I don’t have enough of that either. I’m turning 20 next week and what do I have so far? A part time job, yes. What else have I done to make my impact in adulthood? Nothing much. I still live at home, I don’t have a car. I’m still on my learner’s permit for God’s sake. Hell, I even waited till I was already 18 to get that. In the state of Victoria, you’re supposed to get that when you’re 16, and go for Stage 1 of the Probationary license when you’re 18, cause by that time you will have clocked 120 hours of experience as a learner driver. Not only did I wait two years to even get that permit, but it’s been another two years and I’m still on 0. That’s four whole years, simply wasted. I have to start, I can’t keep feeling so nervous and shit scared about driving, I mean, I’ve done it before, and it seemed okay. Maybe after starting to drive I can think about saving for a car.

Another thing to save up for is a fucking house. For the last couple of years I’ve always said I want to move out and rent a place somewhere. Yeah, like I’ve been even close to that point. Having a house of my own would mean much more freedom. Maybe I should actually start saving money before I even think about contemplating moving out.

Where does all this money come from, you may ask? From my money tree? Wish I could grow one, but unfortunately they don’t exist, so people in the real world have to work for their money. My job is seasonal, because I work in a sport stadium in the city, and the stadium’s main sport is Australian Rules Football. This summer I have struggled to attain cash, but luckily it is nearly over and the football starts again for the year next week. By that time I’ll already be 20, so a little pay-rise will be coming my way from the previous financial year. Maybe I can get a tiny bit more back on my tax return when tax time roles around in July.

But even with two/three shifts a week and a little bit more money, it’s not going to be enough. I need a job for Monday to Friday. I work in the hospitality industry, and after my failures in the I.T, Multimedia and Graphic Design industries, I figured I could simply advance my career opportunities in what I’ve already been doing for the last year and half, and believe me, there is plenty of opportunities for a guy my age. I just have been opportunistic enough. I need to feel as if I’ve won the Money in the Bank briefcase, and I can cash it in at any open opportunity that I have for a WWE or World Heavyweight Championship. I need to keep looking for those opportunities, and take any job that suits me and look into it. However, a new job would feel like a #1 contender’s spot or even a United States Championship. At this point in my life, having a bit of money, my P-plates, a car and a house to rent would feel like a WWE Championship to me.

My YouTube venture has gotten nowhere. As I write this, I have just over 2,700 video views and 15 subscribers. I feel like I could expand my audience a bit more by simply being more compelling and more entertaining. My WWE discussion videos that I do only get a piss-weak view count, so maybe there’s other things I can do. I have to expand my horizons and see what works best. Maybe soon enough, YouTube can ask me to be a Partner, and that would mean a little more money on the side. I’m already monetized, but I only get like a few cents at a time. I have just over 50c so far.

Why do I say all of this now? Well, one, I feel it’s better to write down what I mean to say and what I truly feel, because I haven’t found someone to talk to yet. Two, I no longer want to feel sorry for myself. Three, I need to get my shit together, because I want to prove to my parents, my friends and family, my girlfriend, and the world, that I can be the best I can be. Most of all, I need to prove it to myself, because I’ve gotten myself into the darkness, and it’s up to me to escape from it. If anyone wants to come along for the ride, then be my guest, because it may be a bumpy one in the long run, but at the end there’s some sweet, sweet, gold waiting for me.

On this day, it begins, and it will be the end of the world as you know it…

I know it’s an issue 365 days a year, but why do people specifically use Australia Day as an excuse to start a verbal war with minorities? For the whole day yesterday and even a bit before then, even now, all I see on my Facebook wall is shit about “respect our country or get the fuck out” and all that shit. Why can’t people realise that it’s multiculturalism and tolerance that makes this country great? After, aren’t we supposed to be celebrating the goodness of Australia? Better yet, why be so judgmental? You know what I’d rather be doing on Australia Day? Lying back, beer in one hand, steak sandwich in the other, Cricket or Tennis on the telly, and not giving a fuck about anything. Now THAT’S Australian!

Another thing, what’s this I hear about the indigenous burning the Jack and Cross? I realise that January 26 will always be remembered as when the Brits got here, but is there any reason to burn the flag? I mean, they may be the original occupants of this godforsaken rock we call a nation, and they may have their own culture, customs and even a flag of their own, but aren’t they citizens too? Like I said, Australia Day is about celebrating what is great about this country? Tolerance and multiculturalism? Part of that is showing respect to one another. If the indigenous were to blame anyone, then blame Captain Phillip and the First Fleet, not anyone else. No citizen who was born here can be held responsible for being here, we’re just here.

Not just Australia, but I think the whole world needs to learn a little bit about tolerance. What’s the point of war? What’s the point of prejudice? If you’ve got problems with yourself don’t take it out on someone else. I mean, I have problems, but I don’t go starting wars or slagging off minorities. If the reason for war is to do with economy, then why should a certain part of the world have all the wealth. Why can’t wealth be shared amongst all people? They are some who are suffering badly due to the effects of poverty and war. If it’s to do with power, then why does a certain part of the world need to prove they have the bigger stick? Why do they need to instigate fear? Why do they need to make themselves feel bigger? If it’s about religion, then why can’t people just respect other people’s beliefs? One can’t prove that their religion is the right one, because they don’t know, nor does anyone else. We don’t know the truth, so why fight and argue amongst ourselves over what we think is right, when in the end none of us haven’t got a fucking clue?

You wanna know why I don’t give a fuck about anything? Because if I did I’d only be led to misery and suffering, because the people of this world don’t seem to give a fuck about each other. I slack about and do my own thing, beat to the sound of my own drum, because it takes my mind off the shit this world gets itself into every day. Whether it be, another conflict somewhere in the world, innocent people dying for no real reason at all, politicians acting like fucking retards wherever you turn, the rich and powerful of the world being dicks and thinking they can oppress the rest. I sit back, with my bottle of cola cordial, some BBC radio or some of my own music, fan on behind me, have a bit of a look on nuts.co.uk, or watch some telly. Or maybe, I go to Facebook, or make a Youtube video. Despite the fact no one pays any fucking attention to either of those things, I’m just a simple guy with shit all money, a casual job, a sexy girlfriend, and nothing else going for him, who’s asking for answers, or simply wishing for change, and a better world to live in…